This is not a common cold?
A name hard to spell, to say the least, but to live it? Sometimes I wonder what goes through a doctors mind when they give their prognosis. I’m sure she has enough hospital room experience to deliver such news, but who really stops to think if its a longer-term prognosis like 2 years? I’ve always wondered what would happen if someone was to beat their prognosis by a country mile. (Yes, I said a country mile. Being raised in a family of what some would call hick southern, I am not giving up some of my flair for description.) So far, I am passing their time frame and I am holding well. So let’s see just how far I can go, beating cancer by remembering how I felt when I was told I was a short timer. Maybe I can make it a country mile. I choose to not let this define who I am. I also have experienced what it means to pass away with cancer from a viewing aspect. My Father, Stepfather, and Stepmother all passed away from this horrible consumption of their bodies and if that is what’s in store for me, then let me do it gracefully glorifying God who has given me the chance to do so.
I will be still.
So where does a person go from here? I am not looking for pity, just an avenue to release what I have always had inside, the ability to write. Let just see what this has in store for me as I wander through this void of space called life. A void only filled by a presence in your soul. To be able to articulate helps, but it does not kill this void I have. This void was opened when I was told I was going to die. I thought then not having family here and no significant other in my life, what the heck was this life for? Surely there is someone out there for me, why should I die alone? After all I had been through and what I did with this inheritance, this was what I was destined for? To close my eyes the last time with only me to know? Why? Was I not worthy of anyone?
When there is no light near you to shine though the darkness you feel, life is pointless. There is a defined line between insanity and sanity. We all know that doing the same thing twice and expecting a different outcome is insanity. But what about love? What about death? You’r only going to do death once for it to be forever. What is done here is what you leave behind. As far as love was concerned, I sure had no one here to experience this with. Thats what drove me into an insatiable attempt to show my life mattered. To anyone. Am I not that worthy of anyone? There are a-lot of things you learn to handle alone when you have no other in your life. Being told your about to die is not something you handle very well alone.
To say this life was pointless would be a lie. I have a son that would make anyone proud. Where he has come from in his life is a true miracle only God could have done. Not everyone gets a second chance after what he did. Is he alone in that? No. I too have seen where he was at. It’s only by the grace of God I am where I am at today. If someone tells you, “you have to see the dark side to know what the light is,” don’t fall for that. I was like a horse led to water and yes, I did drink. So I can say yes, it is a miracle he is where he is today. For me also, only by God’s gracious hand. The last 4 months have been a test on my resolve, to say the least. To say the most, it sure has opened my mind to the aspects of what it means to be used. But on top of all of that, I hope I have shown the love of Christ through all of this. I know that 20 years ago, I would not have shown any of that, and I didn’t care. I was wild then. But now, those days are over. The result? I do have 4 children. I don’t know how many grandchildren I have, but they are there and they have wonderful parents, I hope. My youngest son and his wife, I have been blessed with them. No, this life has not been pointless, but I have wanted to end it. People think that having a good life is all that matters. Cars, house, gold, that stuff wont do it. When you look into the eyes and see the soul of someone who loves you, thats what gives this life meaning. I have had that. I just don’t have it now. Loosing that almost ended me.
People have come and gone. Relationships have started and ended. Still I am here. No one has changed any of what I deal with. Let’s be truthful here, I have a terminal illness which I am not going to survive from. I see people realize exactly what that means and become hostile. They cannot be associated with what in their minds is not forever without a date. Just be a simple kind of man. Be something you love and understand. And remember, there is someone up above. If you do this, you will understand. Find yourself. Just be satisfied. Seek peace and the truth, those will not lead you astray. Whatever today brings, smile.